THE CINEMATIC IMMUNITY CLAUSE

This contract’s previously mentioned  HOLLYWOOD STAR, having surpassed all normal standards of importance, (and now seeking revenge for being a high school nerd); shall not be held responsible for any and all of the following crimes, misdemeanors, torts, or traffic infractions:

1. Throwing chairs and injuring assistants or standers by.
2. Tantrums of any variety, in addition to chair or other furniture throwing.
3. Double-dipping in the Craft Service table Salsa bowls.
4. Driving around the cars of the ‘little people’ lined up at the security gate with your middle finger out.
5. Carbon foot-printing like a freakin’ Sasquatch Beeeotch.
6. Scratching your ass inside your pants then grabbing a handful of M&M’s from the bowl at the snack table.
7. Telling your P.A. “You f—ing  piece of sh-t, I told you I wanted to order lunch at 12:25 EVERY DAY! Not even a minute f—ing later or earlier you f—ing piece of sh-t.”
8. Not showing up at the Cast & Crew Screening.
9. Not showing up for your private screening.
10. Refusing to start  the private screening until someone ‘gets their head out of their ass and gets some friggin’decent popcorn!‘.
11. Having the flunky at the office fire someone in the afternoon that you told was doing an ‘aweome job mate!’ in the morning.
12. Stealing good story ideas and taking credit for them.
13. Stealing bad story ideas then blaming them on someone else.
14. Any other form of lying.
15. Never signaling while driving (drunk or otherwise.)
16. Complete phoniness, arrogance, and viciousness.
17. Utter contempt for all the people you clawed at and climbed over to get to the immune state.
18. Bad tipping.
19. No tipping.
20. Not caring if someone is sick, or even dying and then demanding to know why they are late.
21. Bringing your dog to the sound stage and demanding he/she have spring water and non cruelty organic fresh food.
22. Having the P.A. clean up the dog poop.
23. Never paying your fair share for the Starbucks run.
24. Leaving before the check comes to go somewhere ‘important’.
25. Punching your assistant for getting you a Business class seat.
26. Punching your assistant for anything else.
27. Insulting the lunch lady at the commissary for serving non ‘whole’ wheat bread, especially if she’s ugly.
28. Drugs.
29. Demanding everyone align their political thinking with yours; or else.
30. Smashing someones car with a 9 iron.
31. Smashing the craft service table with a putter.
32. 9 Ironing Chicken Tamales into the feet of your assistant whilst yelling “PICK IT UP! PICK IT F—ING UP!’
33. Any other use of sporting equipment to destroy or abuse.
34. Screaming “DO YOU FREAKING KNOW WHO I AM?!”
35. Making everyone wait – constantly.
36. Flipping over the craft service table because there aren’t any Biscotti.
37. Demanding your Green Tea be from Sri Lanka.
38. Demanding all spellings be of the British variety – such as; Colour, Favour, Cheque etc.
39. Demanding your luxury trailer and adjoining large sand coloured tent are a perfect 69 degrees, at 43% humidity, then demanding the A.D.  get another Semi loaded with generators to make it just so.
40. Demanding everyone on the set conserve energy.
41. Demanding your office be painted with non-odorous natural dye paint. Colour: Sand.
42. Screaming “IT’S MY F—ING MOVIE YOU NOBODY!” at 1 am in a hotel room hallway.
43. Kicking the maid in the hind quarters for not giving you higher thread-count sheets.
44. Throwing a telephone at the Bell Boy’s hind quarters for not finding you Blueberry juice at 4 am.
45. Drunk driving, having an accident, leaving the scene, scoffing at the injured.
46. Rape of a 13 Year old girl or boy.

“Let’s take a break fellas, I am sick of being in damage control mode. I gotta kick it for a few minutes” President Obama complained .

“Okay everyone, let’s leave the President alone for a bit of a rest” announces the President’s chief of staff, then whispering into his bosses ear he adds: “I think in a few days, our pals at CBS, NBC and ABC will have some surprises for them and this onslaught will stop. It’s just real tough trying to get anything on this Big Hollywood/Big Government bunch, they’re all pretty clean, even that nut Mannix.”

“He’s a Jackass.”

“Just rest up a few minutes Barack, – we’ll come back in shortly.”

With that the group left the room, and the President was unusually alone.

Ticking clock. — Distant siren. — Pounding headache.

Putting his feet up and shielding his eyes from the late September light streaming into the oval office, Mr. Obama tries desperately to turn off his brain for just five little minutes.

Tick,.. tock,.. tick,.. tock,.. tick,.. tock….. the beautiful antique clock meters off the seconds as the Chief Executive closes his eyes and tries to find a few minutes of peace. The comforting ticking of the clock continues, as if  shepherding his thoughts along a path towards some well needed rest. Almost there… moving along …tick,.. tock,.. closer … getting sleepy…tick… tock, tick… tock, tick—  then nothing. Beautiful silence.

“That’s what I had the Jelly Beans for.”

With a start, Obama lurched forward on the couch bursting out of his snooze. The impressive figure speaking before him held out a calming friendly hand as if to say; easy my friend I am here in peace.

“Yes, that’s what I had the Jelly Beans for…, I ate them on a break. It took me out of tense situations, so I could get a fresh perspective on things. Like a five minute vacation, you could say.”

Across from the young President sat an impressive figure of a man. Hair perfect. Suit handsome. Shoes shining. Smile charming.

“Well Mr. Obama, how do you get perspective on things?” Ronald Reagan asked. “What gives you peace?”

“Not much these days” said the dazed young President rubbing his eyes. ” I mean, Kennedy, Washington, Lincoln, now you. What the hell?”

“No, not ‘hell’ at all son, hel-p. We come here to try to help you realize some things. You’re our latest legacy son. We’ve a stake in this, …we love this nation and feel that you are being led down a path by some really misguided notions. Some from your special interest supporters and inner circle, some from inside your own head and heart.

Today, I’d like to talk to you about something you have called for in this nation. You called for ‘fundamental change’  during your campaign. Listen, our constitution is just about as perfect a document and instrument that living beings could ever come up with. I happen to believe it was inspired by God Almighty, through men, to create a great home for freedom to prosper, so that men may achieve, dream and give the way God intended. That document and this nation do not need fundamental change Barack. Tweaks yes. But fundamental change? No sir. That sir smacks of fundamental rights being distorted or even taken away.”

“Come on Mr. President, this nation was being ruined by a war waged by my predecessor,… this nation was in bad shape. Fundamental change is needed to make sure we don’t go back to those days of despair” Mr. Obama beseeches, in a slightly annoyed tone.

“Oh please cut that baloney with me Barack.  Your predecessor had just what you have; A war. Ignore it if you will, but it will still be there. They are still there. Tell me; what ever happened to those Code Pink Sirens outside this office? They aren’t blowin’ any more are they? You campaigned with all those others that were screaming ‘this war is lost’. Like hell it was. Darn fine job Bush did. Not perfect, but war never is. That guy was like a pit bull – his teeth sunk deep into his commitment to protect our nation, – and he never let go. Damn the polls, damn the popularity. Handle it in your style, but please literally for goodness sake, handle it.

And while we’re on the subject; it’s up to you not to pull an ‘LBJ’ in Afghanistan. Get your act in gear Mr. President and listen to your commanders on the ground.

Well my time is short, I am due back at the ranch. Gonna cut some wood.  Yes, that’s another thing that would give me perspective; good hard physical work. I was never one for the treadmill or the aerobics you know. So, Mr. President, I wish you piles and piles of therapeutic wood to cut, and may they solve your problems by healing your thoughts. Oh and one more thing, stop referring to yourself in the third person. It sounds pompous, and quite frankly, a little silly. Not to be a dime store Sigmund Freud, but by talking about ‘The President’, in the third person all the time  you sound a little defensive. You don’t have to announce the position.  You bear the responsibility, not the position…  you are the position.”

Slapping his knees lightly and standing up out of the chair, California’s favorite son sparkled a youthful smile and added; “It’s a service business you’re in Mr. President. You above all, are in the business of serving the nation. So my final advice to you Barack is simple, find yourself your own type of Jelly Bean break, and in those minutes search your soul, think of the people, and reflect on the genius of the document. No fundamental change needed there at all.”

Then touching President Obama lightly on the shoulder and motioning him back towards the couch, Ronald Reagan added;

“Hey, you know what?  You do look really very sleepy. You’d better get some rest there Mr. President.  Go ahead Barack, close your eyes… that’s it my friend, …listen to the clock. I always loved that clock.. the way it went; Tick…Tock,… tick ….tock,…”

Tick, …tock, …tick,…

Amazing. Digging in the parking lot at Barney’s Beanery in West Hollywood, (please don’t judge my hobbies), I found another set of the quizzical quatrains that heretofore have never been seen. This Nostra dude had it going on… and on.

QUATRAIN VICKS 44 XXII (Possibly Healthcare Town Hall meetings)

Yeah, the dwellers of the meeting in the hall of townsfolk,

Hath been shillithed by the men from the large white home,

Bringing a false love for the large plan of the nations medicines,

All good men, please turn your heads and cough.

QUATRAIN ACORNUS XXIV (The President?)

A rise too fast from the young town organizer to the great great office.

Leaves the man unable to lead.

Henchmen behind him say what he can’t, and at times say in the opposite, leaving Clintonous correct in prediction:

Holy crap, this all was a fairytale.

QUATRAIN IIIVI (The White House Czars?)

Sneaking in the back door of the laws of ethics

comes the ones named after the easterners.

Agencies of three letters do no looking

at the dubious achievements of some of these freakin’ mamalukes.

QUATRAIN (No number just GREEN DIAMONDS next to title) (Gore?)

Saving the land from the galloping ghosts of what may be,

He buildeth an industrious money changing machine,

With grand designs to the folk for smaller living and meager enjoyment, indeed the green he predicts will be in his pockets.

Although, through all, he still gets down with his bad self bling-bling style.

QUATRAIN  Chanel No.5 (Joe Wilson?)

And in the Great Hall of Pelosis,

A man is scorned for shouting out his belief .

Your hearts shall leapeth and shout out too;

Pick up a bigger  shovel you tools.

QUATRAIN IIIV (Van Jones?)

He doth say; the sad day – was done by the victims themselves,

He doth say; that the way to change money is for the rulers to own,

He doth say; things to part the races,

The Press didn’t say shit.

QUATRAIN 1.5 Million (Tea Party in D.C.?)

Yes  - the millions descend on the pillared planned city,

Yes –  the millions cried out as one , surpassing all recent crowds in size and peacefulness,

Yes –  the message was loud and clear even for those opposed.

No  -  there wasn’t any tingle up the leg for Chris Mathews.

QUATRAIN Triple E (More Joe Wilson?)

The one that throweth the shoe at the head of the leader,

Receives the lauds and laughs from the left of the great land.

The one that throweth a word, receives their righteous vile scorn.

This about sums it up dudes. Later.