Now if you’re like me, you know children are evil. They’re thieving, selfish creatures whose primary agenda includes spreading germs and smearing mucous on your belongings. So naturally you’d think I`d be in favor of President Obama`s plan for longer school days and shorter summer vacations. After all, that means less brats on the streets, defacing my tree fort made from discarded copies of Oui.

But on the contrary – I think Obama is off base, for three reasons:

First: When it comes to education, more doesn’t mean better. When something blows – ordering more of it doesn`t solve the problem. Fact is, we don`t need more school, we need better schools. Sadly, teachers unions have created a lock on jobs for even the most moronically incompetent – and the only way for a teacher to lose a job these days is if she gives one to a student. Worse – for a lot of kids, sending them back for three more hours of daily schooling in places like Chicago or Baltimore is like an academic version of stop-loss. They learn more about running for their lives than reading for enjoyment.

Second, Obama`s reasoning doesn’t have anything to do with us needing to become more competitive. We`ve already learned during his U.N. speech that Obama finds the notion of winning and losing distasteful. No, this idea of “more class” comes from his own opinions about America – convinced by his pals that compared to a far more sophisticated Europe, we`re all just hicks from the sticks who think Belgium is only a name for one of those fruity, overpriced beers. Which – as you know – is, completely correct.

Finally, I can’t help but think that President Obama wants kids to stay in school longer so they can learn more cool songs to sing. You know, about Obama.

And if you disagree with me, you`re probably a racist.

Tonight we’ve got the delightful Faith Salie, the amazing Doctor Coomer, the inciteful Mary Walter, and the hilarious Jim Florentine!

You may remember when, a few years back, the tour bus belonging to rabid environmentalist/human kazoo Dave Mathews dumped up to 100 gallons of human waste through the grates of a Chicago bridge, drenching folks on a boat below, as well as polluting the river. Well, the chirping goggle-eyed warbler is at it again – this time spewing a load of crap on America, in an interview with CNN.

When the network asked whether the singer agreed with Jimmy Carter, who said America is rife with racism, Matthews said, quote, “Of course it is! I found there’s a fairly blatant racism in America that’s already there, and I don’t think I noticed it when I lived here as a kid. …There’s a good population of people in this country that are terrified of the president only because he’s black, even if they don’t say it. And I think a lot of them, behind closed doors, do say it.”

Okay – let me get this straight. The entertainer sees “blatant” racism everywhere – yet describes it as unsaid – and behind closed doors!

Which means, it’s not blatant at all! It’s invisible, like oxygen – yet Matthews can see it!

Amazing.

Look, it’s got to be awesome to possess an ability to detect bigotry in people who show no signs of it. Matthews should hire himself out to local fairs, next to the chap who can guess your weight.

However, I may be giving Dave too much credit. He just doesn’t seem like a guy who thoughtfully came to this conclusion, all by himself. I mean, his tiresome screed sounds exactly like the same baloney you hear from other entertainers who pretend they’re keeping it real, when in fact their heads never rest on anything less than a Ritz Carlton pillow. It’s the guilt they feel about their own cushy existence that drives them to sidle up to the oppressed, even if there is no oppressor.

It’s enough to make me boycott Dave Mathews’ music. Which I admit is pointless, since I never listened his crap to begin with.

And if you disagree with me, then you’re probably a racist.

Tonight: the lovely Sandra Smith, the delightful Jim Norton, Kevin Godlington, and Ace Frehley!