Author Archive
Membership Has Its Privileges
Posted by Iowahawk in Featured Story, Obama on October 9th, 2009
[ed. note: republished and amended from a 2007 post]
Dear BARACK OBAMA :
Congratulations! On behalf of the selection committee, I am pleased to announce that you have been named a 2009 recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize, in recognition of your tireless efforts to STRENGTHEN INTERNATIONAL DIPLOMACY AND COOPERATION .
I am also pleased to tell you that as a winner, you have been pre-approved for membership in the Nobel Peace Player’s Club, offering exclusive money-saving benefits available only to laureates like you. Please take a few minutes to look over the enclosed enrollment materials. At only $299.95 per year, I’m sure you’ll agree that membership is a bargain at twice the price! Here are just some of the benefits you’ll receive:
- A handsome 14-karat gold membership crest badge to display proudly on the grille of your limousine or official state aircraft
- A framed, hand-calligraphed certificate (add $19.95 for gold leaf)
- Special discount shopping bargains for for you and your family
- Great travel packages to the 2016 Olympics in Rio de Janeiro
- Listing in “Who’s Who of Global Salvation” ($49.95 per copy)
- Great coupons for Olive Garden, P.F. Chang’s, Six Flags Theme Parks, and more!
Plus, you’ll receive the exclusive Nobel Peace Player’s Club GoldCard entitling you to discount air travel and 5-star hotel accommodations from Kyoto to Darfur. But don’t take our word for it! Listen to these testimonials from some of our current members:
“My career as an international peace activist means lots of air travel — and dealing with pushy Zionists and rude natives. With my Nobel Peace Player’s Club GoldCard, I finally get the respect I deserve – and it makes getting through Gaza airport security a snap!”
– Jimmy Carter, 2002 Laureate“Whether we’re patrolling the Congo, Sudan, or Bosnia, one thing’s for sure — chicks can’t resist a Nobel Peace Prize Player!”
– United Nations Peacekeeping Forces, 1988 Winners“My Players Club GoldCard lets me treat my friends and family to great perks.”
– Kofi Annan, 2001 Laureate“I’m a take-action kind of guy. Whenever I fly to Tehran or Pyongyang, the first thing I pack is my Players GoldCard.”
– Mohamed ElBaradei (2005)“I have to write a lot of honorary doctorate acceptance speeches, and writer’s block can be a problem. With the Player’s GoldCard I got great discounts at TermPapersLab.com!”
– Rigoberta Menchu (1992)“The Player’s Club GoldCard is recognized everywhere — even in hell! I redeemed my Players GoldPoints at Club Satan for an exciting eternity of getting pounded up the ass. Thanks, NobelCo!”
– Yasser Arafat (1994)“Don’t miss the boat like I did, comrade! I forgot to enroll, and now I’m spending eternity pounding Yasser Arafat up the ass.”
– Le Duc Tho (1973)
So what are you waiting for, BARACK OBAMA ? Enroll today and start enjoying the privileges of membership. Enroll today, and we’ll throw in a deluxe leather bound CIA intelligence report worth $1000!
Sincerely,
Ůmläut Ťïldëqvist, Chairman
The Nobel Peace Player’s Club Selection Committee
Art Will Not Be Silenced! — Win a $33.18 Grant From the Iowahawk Endowment for the Arts
Like you, when I read that a cabal of art-hating reactionary philistines had forced the resignation of Yosi Sergant from the National Endowment for the Arts, I was sickened. This was followed by shame, then fear. And then, finally, the realization that here was a golden opportunity for cheap blog traffic.
As a renowned collector of dumpster art and pork industry commemorative plates, I made a solemn vow to myself: this injustice will not stand. If these radicals are allowed to bring down the NEA’s Assistant Liaison for Art Community Outreach — for merely organizing an innocent devotional art program — who is next on their dangerous anti-culture agenda? The NEA Undersecretary for Public Engagement? Western Civilization itself?
No, my friends, the stakes are too high. We in the Arts community must confront these vulgarian bullies and let them know that ART WILL NOT BE SILENCED. To show my personal commitment to this important cause, last night I dug deep into my kid’s sock drawer and found $33.18, which I am now fully dedicating to an endowment to fund creative art aimed at promoting me and my agenda.
David Burge (2009): Still Life With Dumpster Paintings, Schlitz, and Grant Money.
As a member of the trend-setting art community, you are probably asking yourself: how do I get me that sweet-ass grant money? The answer is simple — submit your original creative work in the Iowahawk Endowment for the Art’s $33.18 Steel Cage Art Death Match.
GRANT CONTEST RULES
Like the NEA, I’m not picky about what constitutes art. Use your creativity! Paintings, poetry, outhouse graffiti, sea shanties, macaroni arrangements, mime, interpretive dance, drum circles, chanting choirs of third graders, it’s all cool. The only guideline is that your art must promote unswerving blind allegiance to me, and all that I represent.
Once you have completed your masterpiece, submit the relevant picture or video via email (along with your description) with the subject line “Art Contest.” All entries will be feature it on an upcoming post, where they will be closely scrutinized for artistic merit by multi-hundreds of discerning Iowahawk readers around the galaxy.
Don’t delay! Deadline for entries is Sunday October 4. On Monday October 5, I will post a poll for readers to vote on their favorite piece. Voting ends Friday October 9, and the winner will receive the coveted $33.18 Grand Prize.
Good luck to everyone! But let’s remember that, no matter the outcome, the real winner in this competition will be America. Especially my kid, when he realizes that the 33 bucks he was going to waste on a stupid Xbox game helped save our culture.
Ladies and Gentlemen, start your easels!
Earn Big $$$ the NEA Way!
It’s true — U.S. government demand for art and art-like products has never been higher! Uncle Sam and the good folks at the National Endowment for the Arts are on the lookout for go-getting, obedient artists like you for a fast-paced career in state propaganda. With the quick and easy Federal Art Instruction Institute course, now you too can get a first class ticket on the federal art gravy train!
Tell Me More!
From heath care to the economy to the environment, Washington has become infested with pesky state enemies who are clogging up the legislative pipeline and making life miserable for our cool, art-loving president. That’s why he has ordered the NEA to fund obsequious bohemians to help him exterminate the competition and drive traffic to his hip new website Servile.gov. The Federal Art Instruction Institute will show you how to get off funemployment and on the payroll of this exciting $3.6 trillion growth industry!
How can the Federal Art Instruction Institute help me?
Unlike traditional art schools, the Federal Art Instruction Institute doesn’t waste your time on boring Post-Modernist theory, messy bodily fluids, or painful self mutilation. With our easy-to-learn program you will quickly learn how to channel your natural artistic ability and suburban self-loathing at state enemies who, when you think about it, are a lot like your parents.
Can you draw triangles? The Federal Art Instruction Institute will show you the easy way to turn them into Ku Klux Klan hoods. Turn them upside down and they become scary vampire fangs! Even a simple black rectangle can become a Hitler mustache with our easy to learn methods.
Our award winning studio instructors includes some of the top young professional kowtowers, bumnuzzlers and bootlicks working in the government art field today — people like Buffy Wicks, Yosi Sergant and Michael Skolnik. They will keep you up to date on all the hot new policy trends and enemy lists, and what your patrons at the NEA need you to do about it. Using tried and true traditional art techniques from Cuba, Germany and central Asia, they will teach you how to pick the target, freeze it, personalize it, and polarize it — for big cash prizes!
I’m skeptical. Do you have previous success stories?
And how! Just read these testimonials from FAII graduates:
“I made over $1 million in my first year, and all I had to do was obey! Thanks, Federal Art Instruction Institute!”
– S. Fairey, Los Angeles, Calif.
“As a cutting edge visual artist, I had a natural aptitude for political servility and blind hatred. The Federal Art Instruction Institute showed me how to turn it into a solid government career with great benefits!”
– J. Greenberg, New York, N.Y.
“The Federal Art Instruction Institute showed us how to win big government contracts for our failing business. This program was a lifesaver!”
–The two hipster assholes from SaraPalinIsAC**tTShirts.com
But I can’t draw. Can I still take advantage of this exciting program?
No problem! Thanks to new NEA guidelines, anybody can be an artist! Are you a musician? filmmaker? Web designer? Guerrilla marketer? Graffiti tagger? HopCore ElectroChill DJ? Freelance vandal? Whatever your mode of expressive behavior the NEA has a sweet load of grant money waiting — and qualifying has never been easier! Do you have –
- an ironic trucker hat?
- ironic facial hair?
- ironic douchebag glasses?
- a vocabulary that includes “bringing utilities” and “mindspace”?
- deep insecurities about your place in the art world hipster food chain?
- a slavish desire to do the bidding of your government?
- no idea what “ironic” really means?
Can you –
- Follow orders?
- Take a hint?
- Maintain plausible deniability?
- Keep your mouth shut?
Then you just might qualify as a student in one of FAII’s prestigious secret conference call classrooms!
Sounds too good to be true! What’s the catch?
No catch, but enrollment is limited. So don’t delay, write today for your free talent and obedience test and see if you have what it takes to be a professional in the new art capital of the world — Washington, D.C.!
Remember — The U.S. Art-my Wants You!
FOUND: Bush White House NEA Conference Call Transcript
[ed - Rush transcript! Leaked NEA conference call from my mom, proving the Bush Administration did it too]
TRANSCRIPT OF
CONFERENCE CALL OF THE
NATIONAL ENDOWMENT FOR THE ARTS
21-Jan-2007
MR. SMIRNOV:Â Hello everybodies! Who we gots on the phones here?
MR. KIETH:Â Toby Keith. Built Ford Tough.
MR. SMIRNOV:Â Hokay, buddy!
MRS. BURGE:Â Beverly Burge, Ocelot, Iowa. I do scrapbooking.
OAK RIDGE BOYS:Â Howdy! We’re the Oak Ridge Boys!
MR. SMIRNOV:Â Alrights, Branson in da house!
MR. HANEY:Â Lester Haney, Sepulpa, Oklahoma.
MR. SMIRNOV:Â Hey everybodies, I don’ts know if you see Lester Haney’s work, but he does some of the most beautiful chainsaw stump sculptures Yakov ever sees.
MR. HANEY:Â Thank you.
MR. SMIRNOV:Â I know you gots a gallery opening tonights at the I-35 Truck Haven in Wynnewood, so let’s move on. Who else joining us?
MRS. COHEN:Â Â Â Sylvia Cohen, Boca Raton Florida. Driftwood and sea shell arrangements.
MS. CZARNOSKI:Â Rhonda Czarnoski, McKeesport, PA. Victorian dolls.
MR. NEWTON:Â Wayne Newton, entertainer, Las Vegas Nevada.
MR. SMIRNOV:Â Tanks very much for yous to be here Wayne!
MR. NEWTON:Â Danke schoene. Darling, danke schoen. thank you foooor all the joy and pain. Picture showwwwws, second balcony, was the place we’d meet, second seat, go Dutch treat, you were sweet…
MR. SMIRNOV:Â Hokay, that’s enough Wayne. Who else?
MR. GREENWOOD: Lee Greenwood, and I’m proud to be in Bransonnnnn, where at least I know I’m free….
MR. SMIRNOV:Â And the buffets are half price before 6! Who else?
MR. SCHMITKE:Â Cody Schmitke. I’m a conceptual garden gnome-ist in New Braunfels, Texas.
MR. TABUCHI: I am Shoji! I am much honor to also be in Branson America, Smirnov-san!
BALDKNOBBERS: Howdy y’all! We’re the Baldknobbers Jamboree! Nyuk!
MR. SMIRNOV:Â Hokay, it looks like we gots everybodies on the telephone.
OAK RIDGE BOYS: Elvira, dohmp dohmp dohmp Elvira…
MR. SMIRNOV: Oak Ridge boys, can you puts the phone on mute? Hey, in Russia, phone mutes you! Henghenghenhgg Hokay, now is time to stop for the jokings. For all yous on the phone I am Yakov Smirnov, and I am comedy artist escape from Russia. Now the President Bush he is making me the deputy outreach coordinator for the Nationals Endowments for the Art. What a country! This is why I make this phones call with all of you today. You are all very very important buddies from the Arts community and the Crafts community and the Vegas Lounge and Branson community. Is my job to lets you buddies know how much Mr. President Bush think you doing important Arts and shows. Is totally awesome!
MR. HANEY’S CHAINSAW:Â Â vrrruuppp vruupppa winggadinggg vvvvwiiing wiiiiiiiiing
MR. SMIRNOV: Mr. Haney, you put chainsaw on mutes, hokay? Now like Yakov say, Mr. President he is like many things you do with the lawn ornaments and needlepoints and like thats. But he knows is tough out theres for the Arts people and sometimes yous have to do two buffet shows every day to make the ends meet. So he say, hey! How abouts that Nationals Art Endowments? It gots plenty money for my buddies. So he say, Yakov get my buddies together and talks about how they can go do the Art things for service to me. Oops, I mean America!
MS. CZARNOSKI:Â Speaking as an artist, I would first like to say, what’s my cut?
MR. SMIRNOV:Â Is very good question. Is very much sliding scale depending how much service yous do for Mr. Bush. I mean America community. Mister Bush he sees many places where is good for Art. Here is to explain Mr. good buddy vice president Dick Cheney.
MR. CHENEY: Hello everyone and thank you Yakov. I would like to say…
MR. SMIRNOV:Â Please not to shoots me, Mr. Vice Presidents!
MR. CHENEY:
MR. SMIRNOV:Â hhenng heh… heee…
MR. CHENEY:
MR. SMIRNOV:Â uh… Yakov make bad joke. Please Cheney buddy, Yakov sorry.
MR. CHENEY:Â Â Â As I was saying, the President and I believe the Hillbilly Arts and Entertainment community can play a crucial role in moving our country, and the political debate forward. Whether your home base is Branson or Myrtle Beach or Laughlin, whether your art is wind chimes or plywood ducks, all of you can leverage your talents to address the plight the GOP community. While winning valuable federal prizes! For example, let’s say you’re playing the weekend buffet show at an Indian bingo casino. Why not slip in a positive plug for Halliburton, or a zinger against Nancy Pelosi? I’m sure we Yakov here can find some NEA grant money to cover that as performance art. Another example — do we have any garden gnome-ists on the call?
MR. SCHMITKE:Â Yes.
MR. CHENEY:Â Â Â Great. You all know we are trying to grow support behind the surge in Iraq. Let’s say you wanted to illustrate this with an NEA grant to put a “surge” of 25,000 garden gnomes on the Capitol Hill lawn. Ka-ching, ka-ching ka-ching. That’s just the beginning. I encourage all of you to think about what you can do to support the President through your own individual creative medium, whether it is celebrity impersonation or macrame or welding whimsical mailbox stickmen.
MR. SMIRNOV:Â Hokey dokey. Any questions?
MRS. COHEN:Â Â Sylvia Cohen here. I guess I have two questions — one, is this art, and two, is this legal?
MR. CHENEY:Â Â Jesus Christ, those have to be the two stupidest questions I have heard since the 2000 vice presidential debate. Jeez, do I really have to explain this to you? Of course it’s legal, you idiot! Because it’s art. And it’s art because, well, what the hell isn’t? That’s the beauty of the whole NEA system. According to the manual… what exactly does it say, Smirnov?
MR. SMIRNOV:Â Let’s see… “art includes the expressive behaviors of ordinary people.”
MR. CHENEY:Â Â Exactly, expressive behaviors. And isn’t that what you morons do? You just happen to express yourself with bead-dazzlers and lounge music. So what? Jeez, do you know how much money the NEA shells out on ‘expressive behaviors’ made from smeared poop? For your information, it subsidizes more manure than the USDA. Hell, if it wasn’t for the PR problems I would’ve asked for an NEA grant for shooting that guy in the face. So stop this silly crap about calling yourselves ’singers’ and ‘entertainers’ and ‘doll collectors.’ You are ARTISTS, kapiche?
MR. SMIRNOV:Â Hokay, time for one last question.
MRS. BURGE:Â Â Beverly Burge. I’m a scrapbooker myself, but I was wondering if this program paid for writers.
MR. CHENEY:Â Â I dunno, I suppose. Why?
MRS. BURGE:Â Â Well, my son David writes, and needs some money, so I thought…
MR. CHENEY:Â Â Oh. That guy. Sorry, I don’t think we can push the standards that low.