Author Archive
Stand Up Notes From Flyover Country: Janeane Is Off Her Meds and Other Stories
Posted by Jeffrey Jena in Featured Story, News on October 7th, 2009
I happened to see some clips of alleged Janeane Garofalo on the Bill Maher show the other night. I have a warning for anyone who sees her in person or is near her: Janeane is off her meds again and the voices in her head have taken control.
She is already on record as believing that anyone who does not worship at the Church of Radial Leftism is a “straight up racist.” Beside not understanding the English translation of her argot “straight up,” I am sure that anyone who is even a little bit clear headed can imagine a world where people who thought Condi was dandy and helped Michael Steele get to the helm of the GOP might not take race as the deciding factor with Obama. Be that as it may, Ms. Garofalo assured us that not only were right-wingers racists, but the GOP has been the bastion of White Supremacy since the 1950’s.
Keeping in mind one of the favorite saying of my friend Larry Elder, “Facts are like kryptonite to toe-tag liberals.” (Mr. Elder defines liberals as “toe-tag” if they believe in government intrusion in our lives from birth until they put the tag on your toe in the morgue.) I will present a few facts to try to bring Janeane back into the real world.
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President Eisenhower backed and signed the first two pieces of significant civil rights legislation in America in 1956 and 1960. He also appointed Republican judges in the south who moved Brown vs. The Board of Education to the Supreme Court. President Eisenhower was… say it with me… A Republican.
The landmark 1964 Civil Rights Act was back by 82% of Republicans in Congress while only 62 % of Democrats supported the measure. Opposition to the bill was led by Robert Byrd… Democrat! These other well know Senators also voted against the bill: Albert Gore Sr., William Fulbright, Richard Russell, and James Eastland–all Democrats! Two other well know historical figures were prominent in the segregation movement: George Wallace and Orval Faubus, both tried to block black students from attending “white” schools, both were Democrats. It is also interesting to note that both Faubus and Fulbright were counted as mentors by… anyone? William J. Clinton, who I believe was also a Democrat.
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David Letterman is a total scumbag, who would have thought it! Seems Dave has been having sex with the help over at CBS. I wonder if CBS will make him sit through some sensitivity training on sexual harassment. Here is another surprise, Dave is just another progressive who talks one game and plays another. I am glad to see he has some morality, when a guy who knew what he was up to tried to blackmail him he drew a line in the sand. At least we know what he really cares about–his money.
Whoopi Goldberg also gave us a lesson in Hollywood morality last week when she defended pedophile and child pornographer Roman Polanski: “It wasn’t rape-rape,” she said on The View commenting about the capture of the Polish film director. Seems thinks its okay to: A) Drug a 13-year-old and then have sex with her, and B) After you’re convicted, skip bail and flaunt your lifestyle in Europe.
What’s more, he wants to return to the US for the same reason David Letterman fessed up: America is where the money is and Polanski wants more that he can make in socialist Europe. He has been trying to get his conviction overturned and recently had one of his lawyers claim that even the LA court didn’t care that he had skipped. Wrong!
Bigwig producer Harvey Weinstein put out a petition to support Mr. Polanski which was signed by moral pillar Woody Allen. Maybe he is trying to get O.J., Robert Blake and Phil Spector to sign too!
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Finally, a last word about Congressman Joe Wilson. In case you have been in a coma for the last month, Wilson yelled “you lie!” at the President during a speech to a joint session of Congress. Congressman Wilson apologized, as he should have, more than a few times for being rude and breaking the decorum of the House. A lot of folks got on him for being uncivil, but I don’t think anyone said he was wrong. In fact, last week Democrats blocked language which would have codified the pledge by Obama that his health care plan would not be open to illegals. Things that make you go Hummmmm…
Stand Up Notes from Flyover Country: Obama Announces New Apology Tour
Posted by Jeffrey Jena in Politics on September 30th, 2009
President Obama has made the rehabilitation of the reputation of our country one of his top priorities. He wants to be the Sally Field of the international politics and know that other nations like us! They really, really like us. To achieve that end he has apologized for just about every action of the Bush Administration and yet at the UN this past week several of the people the President has been trying to win over still seemed a bit distant. His new BFF Hugo Chavez did give him a nice “smells like hope” compliment, but several other still haven’t gotten the message.
President of all Iranians — both living and dead in the streets — Ahmadinejad still wants to build a few nukes even though Mr. Obama has told him not to. Colonel Qaddhafi, or Gaddahfi or Khaddafi, or Kaddafy or however you spell it, isn’t on board the love train either.
This has not deterred President Obama! Moving swiftly, he said he will name a new Apology Czar, rumored to be either Jimmy Carter or Maxine Waters and set a schedule for more apologies to settle all past wrongs of the United States.
The President is planning a public World Apology Tour for the interventions, imperialism and mistakes the United States has made in the past. The President believes that only then will everyone hold hands with us and join in a rousing chorus of “Kumbaya.”
The Tour Schedule
November 1st – The President will travel to Berlin, Germany to make amends to the German people for our interference in domestic European politics during the First and Second World Wars. Our nation building efforts were unwarranted and resulted in unforeseen liberty and economic development. The President will recommend the return of Poland and France to German control in reparation.
November 4th – The President will stop in Pyongyang, North Korea to offer our apologies to Kim Jong-il for getting involved in what was basically a civil war. The unintended consequence of this action left half of the Korean people living a comfortable and successful lifestyle while their country stole untold millions of car sales from the Japanese.
November 5th - In Tokyo the President will announce the return of the Philippines and Hawaii to the Japanese for our unwanted interference in Asian-Pacific affairs in the 1940s.
November 11th – Set to coincide with Veteran’s Day celebrations, the President will travel to Appomattox, Virginia to apologize to the former Southern states for the Civil War. He will apologize to the South for imposing the morality of the North and imposing their Judeo-Christian view of slavery on Southern plantation owners.
TBA - Trip to France for apology for taking advantage of them during the Louisiana Purchase. Date for apology to the British for the American Revolution…
Stand Up Notes from Flyover Country: Obama’s Recycled Speech
Posted by Jeffrey Jena in Obama, Politics on September 23rd, 2009
President Obama has shown his commitment to the green movement by giving a speech which contained 100% recycled material. Here’s the deal, if you call a big special meeting and invite all the press, a bunch of Senators and Congressman… if you make Ms. Nancy fly her Gulfstream off to get a new pantsuit and a Botox shot or two and ask 300 million Americans to tune in, you should say something we haven’t heard before.
There was a lot of leftover campaign rhetoric about bringing us together. The old “I’m bipartisan as long as you are willing to agree with what I want,” was in there. We got a shot of McCain smiling haplessly like he did when he suspended his campaign to go to Washington and get the financial crisis straightened out. President Obama hit all the talking points about what is and isn’t in a piece of legislation that really isn’t even written yet. Hey, who doesn’t like a little magic? At the end there was even a little recycled Kennedy too.
I will say there was one new figure in there. The President said there were 30 million uninsured Americans. In July he put the number at 47 million. Just by talking about health care reform for three months we have reduced the number of uninsured by more than 33%. If we just continue to talk, at this rate everyone will be insured by March! That’s change I can believe in!
Let me finish with a note on the behavior of James Wilson of South Carolina. Boorish? Yes. Uncouth? Yes. Disrespectful? Absolutely! Should he be reprimanded? Yes, right after Ms. Nancy relieves Charles Rangel of his committee chair for tax evasion. I ask you which is worse, being a rube or giving a daring digit to the IRS.
Not long ago we learned from Mr. Biden that paying our “fair share” is patriotic. Perhaps Mr. Rangel just isn’t that into patriotism.
Stand Up Notes from Flyover Country: Obama’s Recycled Speech
Posted by Jeffrey Jena in Obama, Politics on September 23rd, 2009
President Obama has shown his commitment to the green movement by giving a speech which contained 100% recycled material. Here’s the deal, if you call a big special meeting and invite all the press, a bunch of Senators and Congressman… if you make Ms. Nancy fly her Gulfstream off to get a new pantsuit and a Botox shot or two and ask 300 million Americans to tune in, you should say something we haven’t heard before.
There was a lot of leftover campaign rhetoric about bringing us together. The old “I’m bipartisan as long as you are willing to agree with what I want,” was in there. We got a shot of McCain smiling haplessly like he did when he suspended his campaign to go to Washington and get the financial crisis straightened out. President Obama hit all the talking points about what is and isn’t in a piece of legislation that really isn’t even written yet. Hey, who doesn’t like a little magic? At the end there was even a little recycled Kennedy too.
I will say there was one new figure in there. The President said there were 30 million uninsured Americans. In July he put the number at 47 million. Just by talking about health care reform for three months we have reduced the number of uninsured by more than 33%. If we just continue to talk, at this rate everyone will be insured by March! That’s change I can believe in!
Let me finish with a note on the behavior of James Wilson of South Carolina. Boorish? Yes. Uncouth? Yes. Disrespectful? Absolutely! Should he be reprimanded? Yes, right after Ms. Nancy relieves Charles Rangel of his committee chair for tax evasion. I ask you which is worse, being a rube or giving a daring digit to the IRS.
Not long ago we learned from Mr. Biden that paying our “fair share” is patriotic. Perhaps Mr. Rangel just isn’t that into patriotism.
Stand Up Notes from Flyover Country: How Did Russell Brand Get a Green Card?
Posted by Jeffrey Jena in News, Politics on September 16th, 2009
I am sure that Congress has a lot more important things to do right now but when we get around to looking at immigration can we get an investigation into how an alleged comic named Russell Brand got a green card.
I’m no expert on immigration law but I think in order to come here to work you have to demonstrate you have some special skills or talent that no American has. This rule prevents big multi-national companies from bringing in a bunch of cheap unskilled labor to take American jobs. For example, let’s say you are a bricklayer and you live in Poland. You may be a good bricklayer but if you want to come to the United States to live you need to go through a long process and show you have some skill that no American bricklayer possesses — unless you are a person who can sneak across the southern border,  in which case you are welcome to come and take an American’s job and pick up some free health care and education. That’s another issue and I have been ADD-ing pretty badly recently so I need to get back to the topic at hand:
In Russell Brand’s case we must have run short of mildly retarded, under-educated, talentless, drug addled twits. I know a number of guys living under bridges who could live for a year on Russell’s VMA salary who are funnier and much more entertaining. My current favorite being a panhandler whose sign reads. “I’m just like Obama, I just want change.â€
I don’t want anyone to think I am crying sour grapes because I don’t think the MTV Video Music Awards is looking for a 57 year old little known comedian to host their gig. I am just a comic who cares about the state of my art. Having said that, who is it that thinks Russell Brand is anywhere near remotely funny? If you do, can you please tell me what skill or talent he possesses that no American has?
By the way, who was ruder, Kanye West or Joe Wilson? Who will have to apologize more?